the inside outsider

So what to do with my free time? What ist the difference between a nine and ten year old boy and a girl at the age of six?

The entire school situation was awkward. Other kids getting tought things like reading and writing which I had been watching my brothers do for years. No news here. The challenge was to be one part of the group .

Or not to be one of them, the point was- I needed to, constantly, be myself.

How do you even know whether or not you want to join a group of people if you know every single member to the core, but you do not know yourself.

I was a ghost and an alien, an insider and outsider at the same time.

I knew I was there. I hadn’t cared much about my own persona as it didn’t seem so relevant. Personal space was a rarity. During the first years, it was only moments- staying by myself in the bathroom for an extra few minutes, looking in the mirror- always a bit estranged by my own face. The colour of my eyes that was so different from my relatives‘ and the transparency of my skin, reveiling my veins. Sometimes I’d turn off the lights and sit in the dark.

 If I’d manage to draw focus away from the outside hard enough I could pull it towards myself- hear my own pulse and the moment I detected it was when it would change speed. It seemed like that entire tiny room was me, but my time in there I felt stolen from other people. Catching myself taking a break from a 24/7 job.

I learned that it’s neccessary to make a bit of room for myself- but always batteling the instinct of catching other peoples vibes, acting on their behalf before I’d know my own perspective. Before I‘d even tell if my help was needed or if the other person stayed quiet for a reason. I’d get drawn into other peoples moods, spotting micro expressions and the slightest change in someones voice.

So obviously I am a hypersensitive personality. I only learned about this term a couple of years ago and it explains a lot- I just don’t know about the „packaging“.

Google that term and the first pictures you’re going to see is confused females (why females??), digging their faces  into their hands, crying, nailbiting children, red eyed, selftalking people on the verge of a nervous breakdown- and it’s not even a lie.

It is what the downside of it could be, the consequence of being unable to deal with your extra capacity of perception.   

Because here’s what it is- in your nervous system there is nothing missing compared to others- there’s something extra. Whatever that turns out to be. If it sounds any cooler- think of technology.

Think of a night imaging camera, or a street cat.

Think of sonar sound, or a whale, a bat.

Think of a smartphone if have to 😊, a drone or an eagle.

So all the things you sense that others can not, they can tick you off- but the upside, if you ever saw it- come on, would you risk loosing that? Because the positive side of this-

that part is a rock show

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